February 13, 2010

I realize this is a little late. Well only 10 days really. I've started a whole slew of posts about topics I WANT to write about, but I just don't have the brain energy to complete my thoughts. Even now I'm struggling to get my mind to convey to my fingers what to exactly type out.

So... whatever. You get the point. I've got a lot going on in my brain and it's just too congested to get out. Back to topic though.

This post goes along with why I blog in the first place. I used to write in journals a long time ago, and I enjoyed going back and reading what was going on in my life, how I was dealing with these things, what I was thinking while going though them, etc.

Most of the following was written the day it happened. I just cleaned it up a little and expressed some feelings better.

One year ago on February 13, 2009 I went in for my first surgery ever. I was excited and nervous. I was unemployed and looking forward to moving forward with my physical health. I was thankful that all those years I suffered I wasn't actually crazy and there was something wrong, but fixable. In other words, one year ago I was in a totally different mindset - hopeful and positive.

Now though. Oh now. Now, I am 1 month post op of my THIRD surgery. My attitude has changed dramatically. I am not nearly as positive. I think I've expressed what is going on in my head quite well so far. My motivation is kind of nil. I know it sounds pessimistic, but I really do feel like this isn't over. Something still feels... wrong.

Part of this probably has something to do with the fact I didn't realize anything was wrong in the first place. Like how I didn't realize a whole organ was hanging out in the WRONG area of my body. Every doctor, nurse, secretary and technician were amazed that I had NO symptoms and wasn't aware something was amiss. That's frustrating to realize that I really don't know my body as well as I thought.

In conclusion of my post 1 year - things are up in the air. Hopefully I'm not too hypochondrial and can move past this. I am not much of a past dweller and this should get me through these feelings of being downtrodden much faster.

*hugs and kisses*

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