4 weeks since and 4 weeks to go

So today is 4 weeks since my first surgery.  Wow!  It definitely doesn't seem that long.  Here are the current stats for me:

1. I have lost 18 lbs in those 4 weeks. (I was 168.6 this morning down from 186.6)  
   
2. I am finally working out on a semi regular basis and have worked my way back to 30 mins of cardio (the second week post op I was good for only about 10-15 mins).  
   
3. My lowest incision is all closed over now and the band aid irritation is gone.  
   
4. I'm eating some meat now (ground beef, chicken, fish), I've had some bread, and I'm slowly getting used to eating a LOT less food.  This is not to say I don't enjoy a good milkshake or two!
   

My goals for the next four weeks:

1. Lose an additional 8-9 lbs.  I'd like to get close to 160ish before my next surgery.
   
2. Start working out 3-4 days a week and get my cardio from 30 mins of low intensity to 30 mins of medium to high intensity.  
   
3. Figure out how to start eating more balanced small meals and maybe eat a salad.
   

I'm not expecting too much I don't think.  I'm honestly just excited to see how my body is changing - how it is getting better with digesting food on it's own and not having ANY heart burn at all.  I can also lay on my left side at night (I couldn't do it before) without my stomach hurting.

All these accomplishments have made any of that bad stuff entirely worth it!!  

Speaking of the weight loss above, my friend who started WW has lost 4.4 lbs in a week!!  I'm proud of her for sticking to her plans and doing so great!!  Yeah!

Okay so now that I've covered the 4 weeks since, let's do the 4 weeks to go.

In 4 weeks I will be having a breast reduction.  It has been really funny to me all the reactions I get when I tell people I am doing this.  Now don't get me wrong, I refuse to be swayed by other people's "thoughts."  I also do not have much of a filter and am very comfortable talking about my life decisions.  If I end up telling one person about going through with this surgery that considers doing this because it would benefit them for whatever reason (health, body image) than I am content.  

Here is the oddness of going through with this surgery.  I don't hate my breasts.  Not even close.  I don't really mind their size, I don't absolutely hate how I look in clothes (nor do I really like it either though), and I even enjoy my cleavage every once in a while.  

So why would I DO this to myself?  I'm in pain.

If I had different skin, a different spine - I would keep them for their size.  I don't though.  Let's go with the skin issues first.

Have you ever torn your skin while walking?  I'm not talking about on something, I'm talking about the fact that even wearing a regular bra and a sports bra together, the weight of my breasts (with my thin skin) has literally caused tears on my breasts.  That's gross and uncomfortable.  They are also covered in stretch marks.  I can't wear a bra all the time - I get rashes from that - so when I don't, my skin is too fragile and stretches and causes marks.  That isn't pretty or okay for me.  I'm only 26.  Speaking of rashes, irregardless of bra or no bra, I get redness under my breasts from their weight, friction, etc.  Yes, it's not fun.

Now on to my spine.  I have a double scoliosis.  My back curves the wrong way twice.  Where these curves meet is right about where my bra strap is.  I have deterioration of my vertebrae at this section.  It is causing back pain.  I don't stand up straight a lot because it hurts, so I've started to slouch and hunch over.  My grandmother had this same problem without the readily available solution - she is all hunched over now.  

I can't ride my bike (that we bought so I could spend time on the road with Josh).  My skin will either tear, or hurt and my back is in so much pain I have trouble standing up and walking the next day.  NONE of this is normal.  

Some women have breasts at least twice my size and for them it is okay.  I am not them though.  I need to do what is best for my health and after several years of considering this I am going forward.  Josh is 100% supportive and I feel that spending another year with these issues will just continue to deteriorate my quality of life.

I do not know how long I will live, but I want the time that I am alive to be the best I can make it.  I feel that this surgery will make that happen.  

So I was writing this post and then I saved it when my mom called.  I'm back to it a couple hours later.  

They are ceasing my grandmother's cancer treatments.  They aren't working.  From now on they will just pump her full of pain meds and hope to keep her comfortable.  Other than that she is going to die a slow and probably painful death.  I'm devastated right now.  I knew her appointment today was going to be bad.  Some things happened earlier in the week alluding to that fact.  And I've just been down this week.  

I may update this more later, or write another post, but for now I'm peacing out.  Whatever you do (pray, send thoughts, send hugs, etc) please do that for my family.  This is so incredibly heartbreaking.

*hugs and kisses*

mj