3.19.2009

Cancer sucks: Part 2

I'll start with yesterday.  I posted yesterday, but not about yesterday.  I wasn't ready to deal with yesterday yet.  I'm still not sure I'm ready to deal with yesterday, but I'm going to try.

I got up early to just relax for a little.  I was supposed to meet Meme and Pap at 12:45 to go with them to Meme's doctor's appointment with the radiologist.  Meme called though and asked me to head to their house because she was unstable and Pap didn't think he could get her down their front porch stairs.

When I get there I call her oncologist to reschedule an appointment from Friday to next week.  She is so worn out that the trip to the hospital twice in a week would be too much.

Now there is a hospital closer, but she has been going to a hospital about 45 mins away for her treatments.  

Yesterday's weather was beautiful, but I ended up in the backseat of Meme and Pap's car that was about 90 million degrees.  Meme is always cold and so it wasn't even like I could get some air.  I took this picture on the way down to the hospital.  It is the Hadany Sculpture that is at the one entrance to the local mall.


It's kind of odd.  I tried to catch it when it looked like a ribbon, but no such luck.  And here I am getting off track.  Back to the topic.

So we finally got the the hospital.  We ended up at Geisinger in Danville, PA which is about 45 ish minutes from Meme and Pap's house.  Now this place is a MADHOUSE where you do drop off.  We had to wait in a line of cars, then there were no wheelchairs.  I finally snagged a wheelchair, got Meme out of the car and then Pap had to go park down this BIG hill and walk back up.  NOT convenient at all.  

We got in and headed down to the radiation area.  Now this was just a check up, not treatment.  Once in with the doctor I had to play my mom (who is awesome and I don't know how she does it and I love her even more after spending a couple days in just a little part of her shoes).  I had to sit through all the questions and answer them.  I had to help Meme undress.  I then had to explain to the doctor that although he is doing a GREAT job, we would like to move her treatments to a closer hospital.  He was totally understanding which I was thankful for.

He then hit me with the bomb.  Now I've known since last Friday when my mom called that they were stopping chemo and only doing radiation as pain management.  That basically she is dying (nothing is helping reduce the cancer) a slow and painful death and they are just trying to help that.  Okay.  I KNOW this.

But the doctor asked Meme while we were there "do you understand this won't cure you?"  She is in denial at times (this one of them) and she said she didn't really understand.  He explained to her again that the lymphoma is all over and chemo isn't helping.  His only job is to help her pain.  He doesn't know how long she has, but the lymphoma will kill her in some way shape or form.

Her PET scans were on the computer screen.  He went through them.  The lymphoma is literally everywhere.  I couldn't believe what I was seeing. 

We worked out all the paper work for her transfer and I held it all together.  We rode home with a lot of silence.  I snapped a picture of the towers that we pass on the way to the hospital.  They are the same towers I passed several times the week after Meme had her first chemo and ended up hospitalized for a week.  The towers themselves aren't a bad thing, I think it's just steam, but it somehow reminds me of bad things to come.

See, they just look like towers.  But not in my head.  

So when we got back to their house, I helped pap get some things together for Meme and sat with her while he ran to the store.  I then helped her get ready for a nap and headed home.  I numbly drove home.  Stopped at McDonald's for some gross comfort fast food (I haven't had fast food in over a month - and I don't know when I will eat it again.  Ugh.  The filet o fish swam in my stomach all night.) and went "home." 

I took the dog for a walk, I kept moving around.  I was okay. 

I walked down this little bit of a hill (aka the driveway).

Then down the big part of the driveway.

This tree looked cool right?

Ugh.  This is a long way back up.  It really is.  It doesn't look steep I guess.  But it is.

See.  I'm smiling.  I'm okay.  I made it down the hill and back up the hill.  I can survive.  I am okay.

 Josh called.  I was not okay.  I bawled my ever loving eyes out.  Why is this happening??  Why is she in so much pain??  WHY does she have to DIE like this??  I've been weepy and crying since.  When I call my mom she cries.  This is not fair.   

Lately I've "met" some new friends that are suffering from a myriad of medical issues.  They are strong and nice girls.  They are supportive and kind.  They have been there for me when I went through a minor surgery.  They have going through life threatening events and yet THEY ask ME how my day is going because I'm having a rough week.  

There are so many amazing people out there suffering and it just isn't fair.  I love my grandmother and I love my grandfather.  I love my mom, my dad, my brother, my family and my friends.  I love my husband.  I am angry and sad with the world right now because things just don't seem fair.  I will get through this because I have the support I need.  I will help others get through their life trials because I will be the support they need. 


Here is a picture of my grandparents.

*hugs and kisses*
mj

1 comment:

I'm a heart warrior! said...

Aww thanks for posting a picture of your grandparents. They look so cute together! I hope you find comfort in being with Josh this weekend, and are able to de-stress a little.

xoxo

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